Reflections

Live my life again?

2011-08-30T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yet again the tears are falling,
yet again the thoughts are crawling,
rolling down my cheeks,
their laughter at its peaks.

My minds as usual numb,
there's nothing that can be done.
Life isn't fair i knew,
every breath left are few.

I am tired of this running,
am tired as i am numbing.
its seems never ending,
how much is life pending?

seconds, hours, days pass by,
what did i do, just not even try.
my skin burns from my mental fry,
what else did i do except cry!

I keep repenting,
as sins which are suspending,
coz i wish to be finished,
waiting to just see my deeds.

if my sins aren't worth the pain i suffered,
is there a chance God will refund?
Is God still into business of redemption,
i don't wish to give my deeds for reevaluation.
i wish to suffer and burn in hell,
rather than to live my life again!

Suicidal confessions

2011-08-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

I cry myself to sleep every night,
i am tired of seeing them fight,
the noise keeps penetrating deep inside,
i wanna die or might soon commit suicide.

I scratched myself tonight,
coz the struggling pain was suffocating my sight,
their flew rivers of salt down my face,
how to hurt myself were thoughts at race.

When you haven't seen happiness much,
there is nothing you believe exists such.
Existence is forcefulness you breath with,
keep wondering is living worth the knit?

Blade is lying in wardrobe,
or hanging breathless on a rope,
jumping off a building flying,
if all failed it wont be much fun on bed rest lying?

'Get help' you would suggest,
i keep things to myself i would somehow digest,
i helped a thousand souls in all times,
i desperately wanna slit my throat and make 2 lines.

Getting stoned might be fun,
delusional but my mind will be on its run.
What mental state have i gained,
i hope life, i will not see you again!

Remember me as you knew "someone"

2011-05-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

Words you said,
hurts real bad.

I don't mind you not being there when i need you,
i do mind me not being there if you ever need me to.

May be selfish i am,
may be i am mad too.

i need no love from you,
i ain't crying for the memories too.

what matters to me is your presence in life,
i am truly happy for your to-be wife!

I didn't ask for much,
just your friendship and not to be in constant touch!

Our things from past,
were all great till it last.

My frankness in talks may make you feel lame,
but trust me i ain't playing any game.

I can live with the memories of our friendship for the years to come,
till you don't call, message or ping that you remember me as you knew 'someone'!

~ Life At Aamby Valley City~

2011-05-05T02:02:00.000-07:00

Tea @ 2am, Walks @ 3am, Uno games @ midnight, gossip of others' plight,

running room to room, movies on 1st day last show were doomed,

laugh as if living with dead, echo of shouts from A to Z, Twinkly terrace & sweaty plots,

unplanned disco nights, without reason party all night,

Coming first office & leaving last, extended shifts at timber reception whose memory lasts,

clients calls, protocol, reports & fights,

Birthday war that made our bldg stink, farewell partys' that made us cry,

From site offce, entry gate, reception to golf course & service zone as site,

First hello's to last hugging bye's,

Friends made here are forever & never say good bye!!!!

<3 Dedicated to the life at Aamby, special dedication to my dearest friends!! miss you guys!!! <3

* hugs *

What do you actually want in life.... ???

2011-05-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its love,
sometimes its a lover,
sometime its big notes,
sometimes its change,
sometimes its age,
sometimes its not aging,
sometimes its needs,
sometimes its meeting the ends,
sometimes its shoes,
sometimes its dress,
sometimes its just the accesory to match,
sometimes its perl,
sometimes its stones,
sometimes its honey,
sometimes its money,
sometimes its partying in freedom,
sometimes its bed at home,
sometimes its friends,
sometimes its siblings,
sometimes its company,
sometimes its aloof,
sometime is a lot of time,
sometime there is no time left...

No Reason To Fall In love

2011-05-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

I didnt need a reason to fall in love,
i didnt need a season to fall in love,
i didnt need a decision to fall in love,
i just needed you, so i could fall in love..

i didnt need no time,
i didnt need no wind chime,
i didnt need no flowers,
i didnt need no fling..

i didnt need no power,
i didnt need to climb a tower,
i just wanted to be touch,
and feel your love too much..

now, i dont need this sight,
nor do i wish to see the light,
want to just lie right here,
with you by my side or near..

Broken glass on the window

2010-06-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Travelling fast,
speed on the road,
Life is on the track,
i wished it continued without any setbacks.

I travel with the bus,
wherever the tyers take, we rush
I am on the body, on its side,
People see me as i stay above the ads.

Among many like me, i stand out
Coz i am a broken glass on the window of a volvo.
My life’s ok, no regrets,
No friends but tyers were my enemy since the start.

They always took the wrong tracks,
But blamed the driver whose instincts lacks.
i have 2 scars on me,
No wonder they always have curtains,
So that travelers can’t see me.

Today’s a different day, a red lady came and took a seat closest to me,
She wanted to see, see outside at the crazy and fast world,
The curtains were tightly tucked in so the ugly me can be forbidden from the view of others,
She instructed for my releasement from the clutches of the curtain folds,
The cleaner disagreed but finally gave up.
she was stubborn to see what was kept away, i took a deep breath,
knew my freedom is short lived,
but assumptions are not always reality.
She saw my scars, i saw her - simple but beautiful,
she trembled a bit, i thought maybe i have reached the end,
she, touched the curtain, i took a deep breath,
to my surprise she opened it completely,
i was free again, Yippee i said to myself.

She kept staring at me.. must be seeing through
concentrated on my scars,
My eyes glued on her,
with shivering fingers, unsure of her actions,
she touched my scares. Her cold touch smoothened all my pain and tiredness
She realized that the inner me was intact and the outer me was completely broken,
she felt me up again and again,
she smiled and titled her head on me,
i could feel her hair touching me and wondered the smile was not sympathy but empathy,
she could feel my pain, my life, my gains,
the sides of her lips brushed on me,
the pink lipstick shade stuck on me,
was happy and sad at the same time,
we were on a sand clock running short on time.
Time space theory was decreasing,
the destination was coming closer every second.
I wish i could stop time and keep her with me forever mine.

The bus took a sunned jerk, she work up hurdled,
Collected her bags and rubbed her eyes.
Her destination was a few minutes away.
did she care for me anyway?
About to get up she looked at me,
Brought her lips closer to me,
my heart sank, did she realize i was staring,
no i think not, she wanted to see her reflection,
She stood up to leave and i bid her goodbye in my way,
i felt the pain of separation from a loved one,
she came back for a magazine she forgot,
i thought again she stared for reflection, but before she left
spoke a few words that changed my life, I was satisfied
someone finally understood me, the reason for my prolonged survival
Her words ' We both are same, Hurt by others, Both suffers from smoothness outside but scars inside!"

Suddenly i heard a scream,
it was my colleague, placed opposite to me,
it was as if someone shot at him,
i saw a stone pass through him like a bullet,
Unexpectedly which came flowing towards me,
its a realization of my life coming to an end.
its going to be my last breath, i knew
then i turned my face coz i was scared to see death in its eyes
saw her outside, i wished i could just see her eyes, just once,
my last wish was fulfilled when the stone hit through me like a bullet
must be the same kind of pain
my heart flew, pieces of me scattered in the air,
one part went somewhere, somewhere cold, watery and dark.
but now at last i was satisfied coz after sometime i realized where did i land,
was in her eyes, forever stored.
She lost her eyesight which i feel guilty for but now i will be with my love.

Forever & ever to come..

Life - A Book!

2008-09-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my book,
Feel free to have a look.
Flip through the pages,
Keep a track on the stages.

Life is the name,
But it still cant get any fame.
Stuck on this shelf,
Soon it wont be of any help.

Lets start with chapter one,
The guy was great and it was fun.
I was new to this game,
Dint cry and we still are same.

Lets turn the page to chapter two,
We tried but it did not work too.
Liking was there but no attraction,
It was short and we have fallen out.

Chapter three was long lasting,
Its been 3 years and am still hasting.
I was grasping for air in a smoked filled room,
It was a torture, I was handcuffed and doomed.
I wanted to leave and wanted my tears to dry,
But I loved him too much to insert pain or make him cry.
Finally he spoke the words I wanted him to say,
But I couldn’t keep him out of my heart even through far away.
Thinking its about time,
I started ending those lines.
Orchids I still don’t accept from anyone,
Coz I wished deeply that he was the one.
Dried petals I still look at,
Which fell from the stem they had?

Chapter four is still on,
As its hard to forget it in one go.
He was amazing when he was close,
Choices he made were not disclosed.
I wish things were the same,
We would have been like a picture in the frame.
Distance has given us so much of space,
Its like we on different planets and cant escape.
I felt staying in touch was denied,
He went, shed his clothes and changed.
I was just away a numbers few,
I suppose its just incoming for him which I dint knew.
Its only when his screen says my name,
He replies and behaves the same.
He chose his career and asked for a 2 year grace,
He couldn’t even surpass a 3 months hectic work-love-life race.
Am still at this side of the road,
Its hard to believe but i still have some hope.
May be it would work out may be it wont,
Its a chapter thats slowing decreasing its font.

The pages are yet to fill,
The notes are incomplete still.

Soulmates?!

2008-06-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

Is this what i had always dreamt about?
A world where i could always shout.
he had given me those dreams,
but now i am left alone and scream.

My happiness is gone with him,
I could see my dreams seeping in.
I wish i could change all the things,
and fly with him on the cloud wings.

For millions of years to come,
How could i ever be so dumb?
The dreams that he gave were never mine,
No wonder they never could shine.

are the bridges forever?
if they were, why werent we together ever?
Life is good even without you now,
but i wonder why sometimes i still drown.

Drowing into the wonderland was fun before,
now i can only see the illusions of oasis burn.
The ashes of my hopes keep falling from the sky,
which restricts my vision from seeing any high.

You are gone and the sun has set,
Orchids are the symbol of undying love,
Then why is autum there and the springs gone?
only the dead petals are left.

Unspoken Love - Dad

2008-06-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

it feels sad,
i feel bad.
i am tied,
to the wrong side.

i wonder why,
i cant try,
to converse with him,
for more then seconds five.

haven't spoke to him,
since i left the nest,
far away i flied,
increasing the distance wide.

i tried to get in touch,
but its always been shruged.
speaking to people aside,
i tried to hear his voice.

cant believe after so many years,
he doesnt wish to lend me his ears,
its all cause of the words of ill,
that trusted people fill,
its not a surprise,
that he never tried,
to talk to me now,
the drills have gone to deep to filled how?

i cry thinking on the side,
when other enjoy their pride.
love they got keeps growing,
mine has lost without knowing!

Illusion of Freedom - Souless

2008-03-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

sometimes i sit and cry,
coz there is no other way how i cud try.
Things dint work my way,
i kept wondering again & again why.

Life took a U-turn,
making my life more fun.
One day waking up i realized,
that the maze had an exit which i never tried.

The door opened up to a new way,
all my dreams were on the high-way.
The sky was all bright,
which had made me loose my sight.

Living on my own was a dream,
Freedom could taste like minty cream.
The taste kept changing from sweet to sour,
when i realised i kept sinking into the floor.

It was a new maze which i had entered,
It was like a quicksand drifting me to its center.
Now i am stuck here without any movements,
Standing here is also giving me motion sickness.

There are no more twists & turns,
Just the brightness has given me lot of burns.
My skins dark with all the water being sucked out,
someones sipping soul and i couldnt even shout.

This maze is worse then the earlier one,
atleast there was no burning sun.
I had a shade on the head like a case,
and could move around all over the place.

Life is now a desert,
Without any Oasis which need to be discovered.
my body is stuck and motionless,
I can only wish i was souless.

Terrorist

2007-10-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

Inside the door, am sulking looking at you.
I really wish, I could see through..

Never i would have opened the door,
and would have shut all the windows.
Only if i knew,
What was coming through..

For you I had unlatched all the doors,
to my house, my life and my arms..

Some signs and warnings, i kept seeing,
but i was too dumb, so i kept ignoring..

U came in with arms and ammunitions prepared,
Now everything around me was a War-ground.

You made me run on the camouflaged mines,
and made me rest on the loaded cannons..

So finally it blasted,
suddenly turned dark and i blacked out..
My face was splashed with acid,
which i thought was water instead..

Did you do this so i couldn't see your face?
First you killed my heart and then my brain,
left my body alone to wait and see,
when will i get up and race?

mask of love

2007-10-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

Dont think i can talk
as i am sleeping off..
i think you wont stop
till you piss me off..

i have a body, mind and soul..
Stop humping me,
I aint no pole..

I have taken so much of physical and mental abuse..
Emotionally am too drained and tired to argue..

Whats the difference between you and the terrorist-rapist-killer and all..
Except that you wore a mask of love and they do not!

Character - Story Part 1

2007-09-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

Ginseng - What my name means ???

"Ginseng is a perennial herb and the root of ginseng is utilized for medicinal and other purposes. It slows down the ageing process to a great extend." read out a 12 yr old student to his class. For a boy at this age, goggling up for the meaning of his name was unimportant but he had to work on his essay - 'What my name means to me?' He could only bother his father-cum-a soul creator of his Pharma-Empire who was in his early 60s. Having a dad as old as his grandfather,Ginseng was often asked by his fellow students and strangers, about his parents' age difference. The age difference was there, vast enough for others but not for the couple as they happened to share great love and passionate companionship.
"It is found at the...." he continued reading without even thinking. he knew the essay was incomplete because he never really knew the reason for his name. At the age of 7, when he had 2 cousin brothers come over for a vacation, they kept calling him "Ginny" which some how annoyed him. He kept insisting to be called by his name rather than some short forms. They told him that his name was utter rubbish and an idiotic mistake by his parents, it dint mean anything and he was a "weirdo" as no one else in the whole world shared the same name as his. As they were elder to him, he looked upto them ans suddenly had the 'sinking feeling' that his parents dint love him ans so to get back at him named named him like this. His mom, an Ayurvedic Doctor, was at Africa on a research project and dad was busy with work. This left a deep mark on his mind and remained so as he dint have anyone to discuss and erase it with.
"My name means... means...means... nothing to me." folding the paper he continued "I dont know why my parents named me this nor has this name done anything for me..except being made a 'laughing stock' for the crowd..." Suddenly a group for back-benchers started giggling. The teacher a look through her specs at the class and there was pin-drop silence then gave a nod to Ginseng, he cleared his throat and continued, "with this I would end my.." Before he could complete his sentence there was a knock and the Principal came in with an anxiety reflected on her face. She gave a sympathetic look at Ginseng and said, "Your mother called and she would be here in 20 mins to take you.." He gave a nod in agreement, looked at the class and continued, "As i dont want to leave my essay half way.. Where was I? Yes, With this I would end my essay and am ready to answer any of the questions.." looking at the back benchers. Even after knowing that there can be some serious reason behind his mother's urgent request to pick him, he looked calm and composed thought the teacher.
"Isn't your mother too young to be with your old grand..ahem..I mean FATHER?" heads turned to look at the person questioning. The teacher tried to interrupt but Ginseng had something on his mind which reflected clearly through his smile.

What i did last night

2007-08-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

Its been ages since i had a nice laid-back look at the sky.. The last i remember was when my flat's terrace dint have a semi-shade covering three-forth of its sky view.. I could lay back on the naked ground and sleep without giving a sh*t about people who could stare at me.. Life was great at 11! I had my Dada's easy-chair which i used to position right at the middle of the terrace from where the surrounding upper buildings tops dint cover the freedom of my imagination.. My dreams.. My thoughts.. My sense of self being.. all of these used to come alive.. Looking at the stars in the sky used to make me feel as may be all of them are looking right back at me and shining more to attract my attention.. The moon had different reflections that I could see and I had many dreams at night thinking as if I am flying high and all alone.. It was a wonderful feeling.. Lying on that chair I cant remember how many times i have dozed off and woke up at mid-night or 1 am.. I miss my Dada, now that he is gone i wonder if he is staring at me right now, must be getting irritated on my dad for not noticing that I am on the terrace at 4 am when the electricity went off.. He would also be worried about how i have become an insomniac, since he is gone it has gone worse.. But all this is only my thought.. I try to search him in the sky tonight wondering where he could be.. But these damn clouds, cant let me be happy with the thought of feeling connected with him..So now i noticed a cloud which looked like an angel, the way its always depicted in the myths.. With the wings and the crown above her head.. Of course its what the mind makes me think.. But whatever it may be, for the resting bodies an electric cut might have caused discomfort but at least for me it was what i really wanted - a connection with my memories.. I wanted to feel what it was like before.. Cant say mission accomplished but it has definitely got me refreshed with what it was like to have a "stop & rewind" in life..

Happy moments of past can never be re-lived again but happiness can be achieved by remembering how was the feeling off that lived part of happy life..